Rambling about the ex

on July 14, 2008

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Crimson

I have not quite learnt what it means to forgive and forget. Or what ‘letting go’ means. But post a ‘break-up’, I know I lead a fuller and more contented life.

There is nobody to accuse me of not paying attention to his mum’s words or asking him to choose between his family and me.

He is not there to compare me to his darling sis-in-law, and I am free to dress howsoever I choose.

I do feel lonely at night and I miss the ‘sweet nothings’. However, I do not have to justify how I spend my time or the decisions my mother took while raising me.

I fell in love with ______ for two reasons: One, he was willing to stick his neck out for me and continue loving me until my parents accepted him in my life. Two, he accepted me for what I was without too much nagging or questioning.

Neither hold true today since all the while we were together, he had a hidden agenda. He was hoping he would succeed in changing me, my clothes, my attitude and my aspirations.

I have never been typically ambitious by nature but I knew I wanted a career. I didn’t know in which field, but I knew I wanted financial independence.

There was a nascent dream of doing journalism from Columbia or law from Bangalore. But he squashed them. It reached a point where he almost called me selfish for wanting to achieve something. What he hoped for was a docile homemaker – who he could proudly take home to his mother.

I proposed a live-in relationship. He was scandalized. I brought up drugs. He got livid. Drinking became a major ego issue. And suddenly every other guy had begun desiring me, or so he thought. He wanted to keep me like a porcelain doll tucked up in some corner of his house.

It’s easy to spoil a person materially but pampering one emotionally is not everybody’s cup of tea. He never realized that I didn’t want material goods; but a constant assurance of unconditional love and a security that he would always be around to comfort me, whatever be the actual distance between us.

Today I realize that he was not being himself while we were together and that I fell in love with a man who was looking for something that I would never give him.

There was a time period when I became a sorry picture of what he wanted me to be. And I got miserable. I had almost begun to believe that I was being selfish by having any ambitions.

And ironically, he dumped me a few years later saying that I had lost all focus in life. In a way, I should be glad he took the step, because I loved him too much to be able to say goodbye.

He is not a person who will understand my need to pour my heart out on dark lonely nights. He will never understand why I find men like Brett Lee, Imran Khan and Rahul Bose sexy. He will never understand the thrill of watching a Rahul da Cunha performance.

Or listening to the radio early in the morning.

Or introspecting at the steps of the Asiatic Society.

He would have never taken a walk with me on Marine Drive or made a sudden stop for bhel in the rain.

Perhaps no guy would fit my requirements but he was far from it. He could have given me everything money could buy; a fancy car, a lavish apartment, lots of jewelry, meals in uptown place. But that is not what keeps a relationship in motion.

It’s a pity it took us so long to find out what we wanted. He is currently employed in ______, with a fiancée in ____, and has everything he wants, personally and professionally.

And I feel that you can never take leave your past. You never know when it may come and haunt you.

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