Santa Singh

One
Have a look at this lady [photo top: right]. She has acted in renowned and mostly-art-house filmmaker Shyam Benegal’s ‘Well Done Abba’. You would say that she is in the movie because she is pretty, graceful or beautiful. But then you learn that she has had a nose surgery done to rectify the nose that Mr. God gave her. While there may be something or nothing wrong in that (I find her pretty), it means that she does not consider herself as proper or even beautiful.

So you would imagine that she was chosen solely for her high powered acting skills. Oh, well…

Let’s face the truth. She may have been chosen because she is marketable, because that face is recognised and because she took little money. She represents the merger between ‘art films’ and ‘commercial films’. The producers wanted to add some sexiness to the film. So that the costs are recovered. So that—going by her earlier films where she wore almost nothing—people have something to look at. Something to imagine. So that even if she doesn’t wear bikinis and tube tops in this movie, people come to the theatre remembering her earlier… outfits.

 
(source)
“Hey look, it’s that girl from the earlier movie where she wore close to nothing. She is acting in a new movie. She won’t remove her clothes but do you want to check her out?”

This is better than people saying…”Who is this new girl? I have never seen her before. She won’t even remove her clothes in this movie. Do you really want to see this movie?”

So effectively, the ‘art’ filmmakers are drawing from the earlier underwear show of the heroine. This, my friends, is the power of the bikini. Do something sexy, anything, just get noticed and then do some art films to ‘complete’ your career.

I have written about Shyam Benegal in an earlier story. I quote from there…

“Why not theatre actors or some unknown ‘ugly’ chap who’d share the passion for cinema? Oh yeah! you want somewhat saleable actors for the market. But then, didn’t you make some low budget lovelies before?”

Two
Jahnu Barua, winner of one, two, three, four… eight national awards is making a film, which, according to our friend Wikipedia features Preity Zinta, Shiney Ahuja, Isha Koppikar and Dharmendra. No, No… nothing against the actors. But do you have to work with commercial actors to make films in Hindi. What about the time when you made low budget films in Assamese? Can’t you do something similar here?

Here’s more from Wikipedia:
”Initially, Dipannita Sharma was supposed to play the supporting role of Zinta’s room mate, but was later replaced by Isha Koppikar.”
Don’t you feel blessed to read the multiple options available to our talented director? Do you feel the power of plenty?

The shocker doesn’t end here…
”Dino Morea makes a special appearance in a song composed by Pritam Chakraborty.”
I claim again that I have nothing against commercial actors. I even enjoy their work. They are good for a rainy day when you are homeless, foodless and need some acting skills to revive yourself.

I am not saying that the film won’t be good and that the actors won’t act brilliantly. It is all possible. But it shows that Jahnu has to bow down to the Hindi screen demigods. It should be the other way round. He should work with the best actors and the demigods should try to fit into his scheme of things.

Sadly. Aisa nahin hota.

Santa Singh

(On Amitabh Bachchan being hounded by a political party
Read: One, Two)

Hello ____ (insert your name here). How are you. Come, we will now embrace. Say (I wink), the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world eh?

(You look blank)…uh of course… Earth laughs in flowers. Heh heh heh…

Which flower?

Um… sorry?

Which flower does the earth laugh in.

Oh it’s a quote by Emerson.

(I shout) No WHICH flower does the earth laugh in.

Ummm… any flower… say lotus.

How dare you, you murderer!

Sorry?

I am sorry I embraced you… you minority murderer. I talked of the hand you reply with lotus. How dare you? I should have known that you dream of minority bashing.

On The Streets

Hit him hit him, he does not support secularism. The son of a gun was pelting me with lotus. If you stand for Gandhi peace then hit him. Show him the path to peace and secularism.

Look… I just happened to mention Lotus… that was a quote by Emerson.

Was Emerson supporter of the Hand or did he like the Lotus?

How do I know if he liked the Hand or not… I guess he had one and so he wrote that quote. And most people like flowers so I guess he liked Lotus but that does not mean I…

How dare you suggest that most people like Lotus… beat him up. Show him what happens when the might of the Hand is questioned.

You cannot bash me for liking a flower. Oh hell! I only mentioned it…

Quick, do you think the Prince is the most handsome of all?

Prince? India does not have a Prin… oh i get it now. Of course, I like him.

Stop beating him. Good. So you like the Prince?

Of course, he is long-standing and evergreen. I love his work.

I am glad you are on the right path.

Oh thanks for that. I love Dev Anand.

Hit him again. This fool does not understand the language of the Hand.

But wait… I thought that the Princely states were abolished…

Give him to Daku Bhayanker Singh.

Now wait, he is a daku, don’t you have to arrest him and all?

He is a self-sacrificing daku. When it was time to anoint himself as the head daku, he quietly gave the position to his accountant. He imbibes the philosophy of the Hand. We love him. He is a true secular Indian. Get him Daku.

Khalid Mohammed and Anurag Kashyap

 
Cinema should inspire new thoughts and discourage blind adherence to custom. Right?

If you accept the compliments of somebody, then you must also accept their abuses. Fair.
When a critic tells you that you are a non-understandable movie-maker, you take offence and abuse and rant about the critic, in this case a well-known film-critic. But then he tells you that your latest film is amazing and you thank him!

Something is amiss. Aren’t you, then, directly telling the film-critic that he must praise your films or else you will abuse his thoughts?

Surprisingly, this well-known critic is being thanked and garlanded for liking Anurag Kashyap’s latest movie ‘Dev. D’.

Here’s how it goes.
Some time back:

John Abraham

Actor John Abraham to Anurag, after a movie and John’s performance got a bad review from critic and film-maker Khalid Mohammed.

John:

“why Khalid mohammed has to write such mean things about me?Just because i refused to do his film? Well i did what my director asked me to do?”

Anurag:

“Don’t let him worry you john..the man doesn’t know his ass from his mouth..and he has already proven it thrice..”

[Source]

 
And now, after Anurag’s Dev. D, guess who thanks Khalid when he writes a good review? Yes, it is Anurag Kashyap.

“bloody awesome.. i log on and pop.. there is your review.. thank you so much.. now it seems complete.. thank you and am so glad you like it.. drinks on me..”

 
Something may have transpired between them during the release of the two films. Perhaps. But I don’t think that “the man doesn’t know his ass from his mouth..and he has already proven it thrice..” can change.

 Let all of us be reminded that Khalid gave popcorn films like ‘Kuch Kuch Hota Hai’ a five star rating. And Dev. D gets a four star. And Anurag is thanking him and promising him some drinks.

“Now it seems complete“, says Anurag. Oh well.
Was he waiting for some kind of approval?

 Most importantly, the ‘fans’ are following Anurag.
Aren’t they being fooled? Who, you ask. Those people who write in the comments section; bloggers, doctors, artists who claim to be ardent admirers of genuine cinema; now they are being part of the herd mentality:

‘Let’s wait and see if our favourite chap likes or dislikes this critic. We’ll accordingly change and respond’.

This is not only for those who have seen the movie Dev. D.
This is not a review.

Yes, Dev D is a very good movie. I wonder why it is being appreciated by many people; seems odd when other light-weight feather-type films make so much money in India. But as the popular saying goes in Hindi.

“time time ki baat hai pyaare”
(it’s all a play of time)

In time, we will know more about good films that were ignored by movie lovers.

Dev. D fans are talking about the movie breaking taboos and bringing a ‘new wave’ in Hindi cinema. Well, there have been movies that have done that before with respect to women liberation. I guess most fans have not been tuned to films of Amol Palekar. Of course, he is a low budget, art film-walla. So many people won’t go to theatres to see his movies. But they will recognise the liberated woman when they see her on screen, embellished with music and songs. Women liberation is not to be searched. It is to be waited for and then when given, it is to be applauded. Till the next time.

I remember watching Palekar’s ‘Thodasa Roomani Ho Jaayen’, which I recently learnt (through imdb) is an adaptation of ‘The Rainmaker’. Read what the film is about.

“Set in the background of a small town in India, against the harsh weather conditions and lack of rain, the story revolves around a girl who is unconventional in her ways and appearance, in-feminine in the conventional sense of the word, and therefore subjugated to much negative public opinions and advices on what she should be…”
[source]

“Stranger comes inside and he starts alluring all the people with his unusual charming but mysterious talks. Only Father and younger son take interest in his talks. Woman and her elder brother dislike stranger and they oppose everything he says…”

“Barishkar then address woman and convinces her to have faith in her beautiful existence. He says every woman is beautiful in her own way. You just have to keep faith in your beauty. He pushes her to repeat that she is beautiful with full conviction. First time she feels that she still has some self respect and self confidence and a hope to live a good life.”
[source]

Now I didn’t have so much brain then to recognise what women liberation is and how women are represented in Indian cinema. But now when I read these lines, I wonder if good ‘fair to women’ cinema has been brushed aside because it is (yawn) artistic.
As if being artistic is not what we all want in life.

But why will people want to see such a film?
First of all, the film is set in a “small town in India, against the harsh weather conditions and lack of rain”. Serious yawn.

Small town, harsh weather and lack of rain are not exactly crowd pulling elements. Right?
Already, you are assured that this movie does not promise sex; a major no-no for our post-modern, extra-sensible artistic audience.

So you might say that there are people who would have seen this movie and recognised its merits. Sure. Check out imdb [here]. 48 votes in 18-19 years.

Sure. I will have to see this movie again to be assured of its merits and to write more on it. But I trust the sensibilities of people who have seen it and they swear that when I read the lines: “Barishkar then address woman and convinces her to have faith in her beautiful existence. He says every woman is beautiful in her own way”, I am right in feeling that this movie is evocative and modern for its times.

I wonder if this movie also says that women should work and not sit at home. But not every movie is supposed to contain all women related themes. At a time when movie-making in Hindi cinema was about sexy and big-busted heroines making stupid sacrifices, this movie must have been a challenge to the producer and Amol Palekar.

By the way, Amol is the same man who directed ‘Paheli’, where a woman is happy to leave her husband and fall in love with a ghost because, well, he fulfils her sexual and emotional requirements.

And also read in the imdb chart about Daayra and Anaahat. This man has been making low-budget but high-class movies since quite some time.

I hope we continue producing challenging movies like Dev. D and also exploit the charms of low-budget movies.

Santa Singh

It is difficult to make friends who are free of any associations. All of us feel strongly for some institution or the other; religion, political party, language and even food.

Let me give you a recent example. A Muslim talked to me about problems faced by ‘his people’. I clearly remember that I met a young adult and wanted to talk to him about anything other than religion. But he steered the talk to religion. A few minutes into our conversation, I remarked, “What have you got to do with USA attacking Pakistan? We have our own problems here and they are serious.”

It was a mistake. He started lecturing me about his religion being targeted and involved several other countries into the discussion. I gulped a soft drink when he left my company.

This chap is somewhat like my fat Punjabi aunty who cannot stop harping about her political connections and her God; neither of whom have asked her to constantly munch on her greasy potato chips.

A bespectacled man asked me recently,
“Are you a communist?”

Why should I tell you? Why don’t you ask me if I like the oceans or if my liver can sustain alcohol?

Wherever we go, we are confronted by people who want to know how much we are earning, ‘what’ are parents are and how successful we are. Based on these factors, they will decide how much of their speaking power they should invest in us.

Even the beggar targets rich looking people for alms; he should know that he won’t get more than a rupee or two anyway.

I wish I could dress like those ‘easy going’ boys; wear a loose shirt and some type of alien cargo pants and keep the hair ruffled. Let nobody guess who or what you are. Even the girls will look at you for more than a few seconds. How about an expensive watch to go with the poor clothing? Let them guess whether I am rich or poor.

I believe that someday, I will meet a person (hopefully a girl) who would bother more about my thoughts than my associations. Only then will I start thinking about marriage.

Indian Politicians: Spot the middle finger.

[Gunmen have carried out a series of co-ordinated attacks across the Indian city of Mumbai (Bombay), killing *** people and injuring *** more.] Source

God bless terrorists! Without them, the country is plunged into darkness. Maharashtra is fighting Bihar and Karnataka is fighting Tamil Nadu. Or somewhere in north-east India, separatists are killing tribals. In Orissa, Christians and Hindus are blaming each other for communal tension. When terrorists strike, all these factions become united for a short time. So God bless terrorists.

India is a pitiful country. Like in the past, its people are bent on destroying it internally. The British or the Muslims would never have conquered us if the native kings were united. Similarly, no terrorist can bother us if we work united. But the nation is still soaked in caste and religion; every day there are reports of caste based politics and religious hatred. My self-made sample of daily news that defines India:

• MBA graduate harasses wife for dowry

• IAS officer under scanner for corruption

• Brahmin youth attack Dalit village

• Christians convert Dalit causing riots

• DGP arrested for bribery

Even India’s most popular sport is not spared from corruption. It is common news that many players in the Indian cricket team are selected on regional biases.

But all these conflicts disappear when terrorists strike. The message is clear; when you are not destroying us, we are destroying ourselves.  

All this nonsense about terrorists affecting our moral and social fibre will disappear in a few weeks time and the country will get back to its usual pettiness. Let us not be blinded by news channels asking us to be united and spirited; it just doesn’t work in this country.

The only people who should be sad are those who lost their loved one in the attacks. I don’t think they will say that the politicians must be united in tackling terror. They will also not go about preaching harmony. They will spend time recovering and while doing so, hear shrill voices of communal faith.

Tomorrow: For those who lost someone…

Outside a cinema hall, when the audience had finished braving another terrible Hindi movie, I walked towards a water cooler and found a young man, clad in a plain white shirt and faded jeans, reading some lines aloud.

These were not ordinary lines. They sounded like typical Hindi film dialogues. I wondered if this man would go on to become an actor and subject us to more atrocities. I felt like smashing his head then and there.

He politely greeted me when I asked him his name.

Chunky wants to become a dashing Hindi film actor; preferably in the romantic and action genre. He wants to romance Katrina Kaif and “any actress who wants to get romanced by me.” He is very accommodating.

But Chunky knows that this is highly improbable in a world where actor Imran Khan spouts lines like, “This is a kidnapping,” and gets away with any harsh criticism. Chunky knows that he has better control over the Hindi language than most Hindi actors but doesn’t have an uncle like Aamir Khan to carry him through.

Chunky doesn’t have the face required for a Hindi actor. He feels that his face is too thin and that his chin could do with a facial surgery. He is also ashamed to tell people about his ambition. “What if they laugh at me?”

What about his name? “I will get it changed if I am asked.”

What name does he prefer? “Something that is attractive like Raj or Rahul.” I ask him if he would like to change his name to Santa. He grins and doesn’t respond.

Chunky’s father owns a small business and his mother and sister stay at home. They don’t have a car. Chunky has promised his mother a car once he becomes a star.

“It is very unlikely,” says Chunky.

“I have met other aspirants who are much better than me. If they are not better, then they have some contacts in the film industry. They will do better than me.”

So once again, we come to the Imran Khan-Aamir Khan connection.

“I have nothing against them. It’s a matter of fate. Let Imran prosper,” says Chunky who thinks that Imran lacked intensity and got away with his good looks.

Why am I so forceful towards Imran Khan and his film Kidnap? Well, it is replete with bad acing and bad performances. Its story and dialogues are unbelievably bad and hence funny. The kidnapped girl tells the kidnapper to let her take a bath in the ocean because there is shortage of water and she must take a bath. The kidnapper, Imran Khan, says, “Ok.” Such senselessness also prevents a fair chance to many actors like Chunky who rot under film posters.

“I will try for a few more months, and then I will look for another job.”

I wanted to tell him that there is nepotism everywhere. I didn’t. He probably knows it.

Santa Singh

Illustration: Kartikey Sehgal

Diwali is time for shy men to become brave hearts. My two friends decided to be generous and give a box of sweets to a girl.

About these two boys: They seldom talk to anybody. One of them is bespectacled and doesn’t tuck his shirt inside his trousers unless there is a formal function. He walks timidly, miles away from girls. The other one is a devotee of his friend. He is tall and lanky and very supportive of all forms of cowardice.

Our bespectacled man, let’s call him B, wanted to wish ‘Happy Diwali’ to the girl. It was an act of immense courage that required immaculate planning. My help was sought and I told him to knock on the door and ask for her. Then give her a small box of sweets and wish her. But B was worried that if the girl’s mother opened the door, then B would be in trouble. B would never have the courage to ask the mother for the girl. He would keep standing until the mother slammed the door on him.

B’s lanky friend suggested that they throw the box through the window. B refused the idea stating that the girl could get injured and curse the boys. The friend suggested that they don’t mention B’s name in the greeting card attached to the box. But then she would never know that B bought it for her.

B told me his desire; he wanted to give the gift but not make it look like he was actually giving the gift. He wanted to appear very casual and natural, like he was just passing by and decided to give sweets to the girl since she saw him. Many plans were discussed but none had the spark B wanted.

Frustration took over. I told B not to go ahead with this idea because it could cause great trouble. He did not listen to me but listened to his libido and asked one of the local cracker-loving boys to help him out. The plan was set.

The local boy, clad in brown shorts and a half-sleeved shirt, crept alongside the floor railing and towards the door. He placed some crackers near the door. Red crackers; they make lot of noise. According to the plan, the boy would burst the crackers and then run. B would be standing at some distance. The girl or somebody would open the door and the boy, fed on 50 Rs, would run away. The girl would then see B who will promptly point towards the running boy. She would see the box of sweets in his hand and surely ask him to come inside. But B would just give the box of sweets to her and immediately leave.

The boy lit one cracker and ran without waiting for it to burst. He dashed across B and across the lanky friend and I; we were standing near the elevator. We could see B standing and scared. The boy had done his job but the crackers won’t burst. The door opened and the girl saw B standing. She waved out and said hello. B didn’t respond. She asked him if he was fine. B didn’t respond. As soon as the girl stepped out, the crackers started bursting. She screamed and ran inside her home. B was too scared to move. A minute later the girl opened the door and glared at B.

“Why didn’t you tell me there were crackers?”

After she slammed the door on him, B walked towards us, dejected and hurt.

Goa Education Minister Atanasio Monseratte’s son Rohit, charged with allegedly raping a 14-year-old German girl, Tuesday managed to elude the police, even as his father maintained he was innocent. (Source)

The state police booked Rohit for alleged sexual and mental abuse of the 14-year-old girl and was charged with offences including rape, abetment to crime and outraging her modesty. (Source)

Some female acquaintances remarked that women have no reason to walk late at night and behave like **u** (the word) and attract attention.

I told them, “That’s because you want to get married and stay at home. You are working right now only to attract the highest earning man and make his home. All you are interested is in money and wealth.”

They didn’t respond and I continued casually.

“You can say that women can stay at home because you won’t mind doing so. Of course, the home has to be wealthy and your friend circle influential.”

“You are a dog”

“You can’t get a girl yourself so you are…”

“You don’t know how to talk to girls”

Many more praises were showered on me. Of course I don’t know how to talk to girls. I am unaware of the rules of the world.

Girls should stay at home because it has been discovered that they don’t have artistic talents and their desires are secondary.

That fourteen year old girl from Germany who was harassed and apparently raped by the son of a minister in Goa should have had friends like these girls who were angry with me for misbehaving with them.

They could have told the German girl the wisdom of being home dolls and informed her of the superior Indian culture on whose pretext women are not raped and killed regularly.

I should be sane and accept that it was the fault of the girl’s mother that her daughter got raped. She should not have given the mobile phone to her girl. Without a mobile phone there would have been no lewd messages to read.

The mother is in India for researching on Indian mythologies. She should know better about India’s glorious past where there is hardly any erotic literature; kamasutra was just a passing phase.

Like the real Indian mother-best mothers in the world according to Indian men-she should have closely guarded her daughter and never left her alone in hotels or car parks or public places. By her mere presence, the girl was inviting rape.

Of course, Indian rapists must rape so that they can tell their wife or friends about the difference in raping an Indian woman and a German woman. They at least have a strong purpose; what purpose did the mother achieve by giving freedom to her daughter and not guarding her constantly?

Let’s consider the Indian future of the German couple now; the girl would be called a **u* and the mother would be charged for neglect.

Since the girl is a **u*, it is ok to rape her because she is constantly ‘asking for it’. It is indeed a possibility that the mother must be a **u* as well and therefore she mustn’t complain if she is pawed in public. (Like this)

I am upset and feel that I am not a man since I am not raping or thinking about raping women; especially the ones who ask for it by being cloth-less or mother-less.

However, I do enjoy looking at them and inventing some sexy scenarios in my mind. I feel guilty about my thoughts after meeting these acquaintances. Maybe I should become pristine like them by being the kind of man they want; the one that earns money to domesticate a woman.

As for the mother Fadela Fuchs and her daughter; change your surname. It sounds like a popular abuse and implies that you are ‘asking for it’.

This girl, by Indian standards, is asking for it

Photograph by jmsuarez.

A general photo and model not related to story

Santa Singh

“Just because modern physics doesn’t say so, doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”

–Vikram Bhatt (director of 1920) with his deep insight on ghosts

The following story is probably better than all those films you’ll watch in plush multiplexes.
With this confidence, I present some films that you think would try to aim high and achieve some milestone. But I have a feeling that you’ll still have to rely on the popcorn for that ultimate cinema experience.

Welcome to Sajjanpur

Imagine being a top notch director and working with a star cast that includes a bevy of average actors. Have you heard of that circus bloke who walks on the tightrope and the audience doesn’t know whether he will fall or complete his act? That’s how the spirit of this chap Shyam Benegal looks like. Perhaps he didn’t have the courage to avoid the limelight and stick to the cinema he would like to make. His last effort I saw-a film on Subhash Chandra Bose-was mostly good and you’d hope he’d want to better that effort; maybe he will with Welcome to Sajjanpur but then you tend to flip when you see that the film includes actors like Amrita Rao, Shreyas Talpade and Ravi Kishan. Don’t get me wrong, they are among the better wares in the cinema market but considering that their palate is full of meaty roles, you may wonder if they’d do justice to the cinema you’d expect of Shyam Benegal. Why not theatre actors or some unknown ‘ugly’ chap who’d share the passion for cinema? Oh yeah! you want somewhat salable actors for the market. But then, didn’t you make some low budget lovelies before?

Have we lost the plot?

Rang Rasiya

Look at me, I am so beautiful. And this film is so artistic and glossy.

The best in this film seems to be actor Nandana Sen, a ‘hottie’ who has had no qualms in exposing her best parts on screen; she wears the tightest outfits that draw the best attention to her chest and her derriere. Or she wears almost no outfits. Back to the film.
The promotional poster of the film proclaims, ‘What a man…What a vision…What a life…What a story’. Yeah, it doesn’t matter how the movie turns out to be. A great man and a great story are supposed to mean a great movie. Its like every movie on Gandhi and Hitler is supposed to be good because of the subject. You don’t expect realism and a certain quietness from such films. Painter Raja Ravi Varma, on whom the film is based may have been a quiet painter who disliked pretense (perhaps), but actor Randeep Hooda looks anything but quiet; his mustache and dapper looks seem suited for commercial run-around-tree films. Maybe the film will prove otherwise.

Psst... you think we are artistic enough?

1920

This movie will break records. Maybe not.
It will be the tastiest appetizer for the masses. Maybe not.
What then does this film aspire to become? If anything.
What kind of self respecting person advertises ‘From the Director of Raaz…’ when Raaz was just another ripped Hollywood film!
The director of this film said in an interview that the lead actor of 1920 is not worthy of media since he is not having affairs with women. Some star struck girls will lap this up; as for some of us, we now know what this film aspires to be.

Some statements by the director and my humble understanding:

“An item number is most needed in a horror film. Till then, the audience’s brains are fried with fear…the sequence immediately after will shock the daylights out of you.” (Source)

A top notch excuse for a vulgar dance. Hopefully the film will not be an item of horror for the audience.

“We shot in a haunted house. But we did not have any problems from the ghosts. I think they were quite happy that someone is making a film on them. You can even say the film is sponsored by spirits,”

Yeah, spirits with leaking money bags and an IQ worse than the ghosts of Ramsay films.

Manicured Ghosts?