Kartikey Sehgal

Love is nature’s ploy for reproduction; lust is nature in crisis.

It is possible to love one woman for the rest of your life and there are many such women available.

Women are marketeers when it comes to marriage. They make a man believe that he wants it and his time will run out.

Marriage is a compromise for men. Women just have to decide between options.

A man (man) remains a man despite the allurement of beauty. The affections of women on such a man are often affectations. 

Men go out of their way to please women and thereby stand on the first step of losing them or losing freedom.

Man works to get a woman. Then man works to keep a woman. Then man wonders why he did all this. Mid-life crisis.

Man wants car, woman wants car. Man must buy it.
Woman sits in that car and talks equality of genders.
Man is impressed by this woman.
Car breaks down.

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Kartikey Sehgal

[Written immediately after the ‘Tiger Woods Scandal’ obsession and kept aside. Sentences in brackets and italics are current, additional thoughts]

Tiger Woods’s wife should have forgiven him his extra-marital affairs. Who stands to gain; have the children benefited from this drama? Tiger Woods? Or has it ‘improved’ him or made him a ‘better’ man? Nobody except the wife stands to gain. She gains sympathy. And money, of course.

(private affair. Was she a good wife, mother. Has anybody investigated. There must be other ways of being ‘bad’ other than extra marital affairs)

Do you believe that a man has months and years long affairs with one, two… ten women and his wife knows nothing about it? If true, what does it speak about the communication level in the marriage?

Or do you believe, as it is being written about now, that the husband is a sex-addict for many years and the wife knows nothing about it? If she knows nothing about his habits and behaviour then what does it say about the married life of the couple?

(marriage ‘two-way street’. Possible there is lack of communication from either side)

She is, obviously, not fit to take custody of the children but law will aid her in her claims. That’s marriage for you. Never mind that Tiger could be a better father, and parent, for the children. Despite his affairs.

Tiger’s wife is considered not guilty and a good parent because she didn’t, apparently, have flings. You’d never bother to find if she is hateful, overtly manipulative, hysterical, or otherwise unfit to be a good parent and partner. Conversely, Tiger could be loving, cheerful, attentive and everything that should be a good father. Yet you’d look at the number of women he has bed.

Who is to say that Tiger’s wife was a good wife? Extra-marital affairs are not the only method of determining the goodness of an individual in a relationship. What do you say about some playboy who saves an eighty year lady by risking his life and what about a faithful husband who watches as a lady is assaulted in a train by some hoodlums? Whom would you trust children with?

Sex in all its ideologies and arrangements is an affair between Tiger and his wife. It is not the only basis of judging (why should you) his capability as a father. He has no compulsions—although he is apologising—to apologise to the world. He didn’t promise them monogamy.

(she gets half the money, then marriage is about money. If wife cheats, she is thrown out without money or any material gain to the man. Man cheats wife gets something. Are non-monogamous men worse than monogamous men and women.)

(And say Tiger is a guilty man, how does this automatically make his wife non-guilty?)

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Kartikey Sehgal

But have you wondered, who is there to protect the men from women? Is their any festival that caters to demoralised men, wherein sisters promise brothers to protect them from evil women (or common women)?

The festival, Raksha Bandhan. Basically brothers get the Rakhi tied around their forearms/wrists by sisters and it means that we have to protect them and take care of them for the rest of our life. If this were true then the festival would be required only once per lifetime. Perhaps it is repeated every year to remind the brothers of their perilous duty.

After she ties the Rakhi, the brother is supposed to bless the sister, usually in the form of Rs. 500 or more. Anything less is frowned upon by most sisters. I don’t get this. If we are to protect the sisters from harm then why do we have to give them money? They should be the ones spending on us. But there must be some sense and some significance in the Hindu mind for this logic.

Brother: There sister. You tied the Rakhi and I will now protect you.
Sister: That’s fine. Now give me all your cash.

Usually in the Rakhi system, you require a brother and a sister. Should you have two brothers then they may be obliged to get the Rakhi from a girl outside their family which can be a pretty devastating experience for the boys.

Brother: Nina, I love you.
Nina: I am coming to you house to tie you Rakhi.
Brother: (devastated)

Now what do girls really need protection from? They need protection from other girls. ‘Does she look prettier than I?’, ‘Is my make-up better?’, ‘How dare she look at my brother when she doesn’t have one I can look at?’ and many more of such infinite problems confound our sisters and as good protective brothers, we have to feed their egos and proclaim their prominence over other women.

Brother: Sister, all women are bad, except you.
Sister: (smiles)… Now give me all your cash.

But have you wondered, who is there to protect the men from women? Is their any festival that caters to demoralised men, wherein sisters promise brothers to protect them from evil women (or common women)?

Sister: Don’t worry brother. She is such a **tch. I shall now confound her in my expertly fanged woman-language.

No Sir! No thought is given to men and their grievances. Women can be teary eyed and cute-like when they are in trouble and want you to help them. But should you suffer a broken heart, would they go all out to confront the woman who caused you grief? At the most, they will nurse you a bit and tell you, “Awww… it’s ok, you were always a jerk”, and then when you are better, smile at you sweetly. Ruffle you hair. And say the magic words.
“Give me all your cash”.

Watch out. That thread around your forearm, could be a cash-bomb.

 
Traditions, Bharat

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Kartikey Sehgal

An ill man doesn’t want a temptress around him and he may turn down an offer to go out with two pretty women. He would want a woman to take care of him; someone who can comfort him in his ill health. Not all temptresses are known to be nurturing.

So an insecure man would want to marry a non-temptress. And the societally defined sexy woman would wonder what went wrong in her relationship.

When a man is ill, he would be less inclined to impress any woman. His body would want him to concentrate on his health. He wouldn’t be affected by beauty and may cancel the evening plans. Unless it is an all important date. He may attend to that date despite his health but it’ll be one minus for any long term plans with the woman.

Women cheer for a man playing a sport and gasp when he is injured. This man recuperates and the women cheer for another sportsman. If, during this time, a woman looks up the sportsman and wishes him well, then she has a better chance of forming a long term relationship with the sportsman.  Nurses have always been popular with men.

If a woman greet the sportsman only when he is healthy and back on the field, then she should expect a short term relationship. The nurse will hold his appeal and he may compare the woman to the nurse while making any long term relationship plans.

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A myth propounded by history-killers and aged freedom-fighter manuals is the enmity between pre-Independence leaders in India.

Subhash Chandra Bose and Mohandas Gandhi shared a healthy and principled relationship despite their opposing ideas on the relevance of violence. In effect, they were comrades in freeing India from British imperialism. Yet, it is not hard to come across learned men and women who speak of them as ‘almost-enemies’. These learned individuals are teachers, historians and journalists. They have never been able to guide me to the source of their exclamations on the Subhash-Mohandas relationship.
“I read it in a book” or “It is well-known”.

One such source had informed me that “Subhash and Gandhi had a fight over the means to achieve independence for India. Subhash was pragmatic and Gandhi backed out of his plans”.

I realised later that in all probability, their followers may have verbally fought and opposed one another. Subhash and Mohandas disagreed but never fought and this knowledgeable person was only bringing out his biases.

Marketers espouse fights between Bhagat Singh and Mohandas Gandhi in movies to promote a false sense of patriotism and increase ticket sales.

Shyam Benegal’s movie “Bose-The Forgotten Hero”, however, did not portray any imagined acrimony between the national leaders. Their opinion differed but they held one another in the highest regard.

Subhash would stop any activity and listen to Mohandas talk on radio and ‘The Indian National Army’, headed by Subhash, revered the services of Bhagat Singh and Mohandas Gandhi to the cause of an independent nation.

It was Subhash who first addressed Mohandas Gandhi as “The Father of the Nation” from Rangoon in 1944. He also gave full support to Mohandas’s call to “Quit India” and “Do or Die”

And though Mohandas was averse to Subhash’s violent battle, he said of him that “…He was Indian first and last. What is more, he fired all under him with the same zeal so that they forgot in his presence all distinctions and acted as one man.”

The comradeship between them is very relevant now as India goes to vote in the coming elections. At a time when name-calling and insulting have become the backbone of Indian politics, Subhash and Mohandas are a reminder of the crux of democracy and of India; unity in diversity.

Theirs is a case of employing opposing ideology for a common cause, a better India. All the brouhaha about voting for change and youth-power would assuredly fail if these leaders stand for elections today. One of them would win but the country would not lose. I imagine that post-elections, Subhash and Mohandas would meet and healthily disagree over the affairs of the nation.

Selected Stories from Outside YI
* Lalit Modi combines elections and IPL…

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For a few moments every week, I allow myself the luxury of slipping into my make-believe world where you and I can pretend that the rest of the world ceases to exist, where I can pretend you are only mine. It might have just been a candid conversation for you when you told me how exactly you felt about me. But it tossed me onto a whole new plane of thought and imagination. Yes, it broke the illusion of platonic love with the opposite sex. Yes, it took away from the innocence of our friendship. And yet, it made me feel terribly good about myself. It felt good to know that I was loved and that I was worthy of being loved. It restored my almost depleted self-confidence levels and the ever-so fragile sense of the self. The constant attention from you and the memory of your words gave me a new-found strength to move forward.

But this euphoria is also accompanied with a sense of regret. Had I totally lost my chance of finding true love while I was dreaming of it with someone else? Today neither of us is terribly unhappy with our lives.  We both made our choices and shouldn’t have much reason to complain. But I still find myself getting angry, with a hint of sadness. I do not who I am angry at more – myself for being blind, selfish and inconsiderate or you for being honest with me. I saw a Mr. Perfect in you long before you told me what you felt. But in my mind, you were always unavailable. I would have walked away from a hurtful relationship and thrown myself at you with more alacrity than you think. But the fear of being branded restrained me.

I tell myself to be the bigger person and let go. The consciousness of your love should be adequate to keep me afloat. I have nothing against your partner – no streaks of jealousy, malice or bitterness. Yet, the overpowering sense of regret, and the subsequent ever-consuming feeling of guilt over my love for a married man, renders me numb negating every other feeling I could possibly ever experience or perceive.

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An acquaintance of mine is dating two girls at the same time. Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays are reserved for the first girl. Tuesdays and Sundays are for the second girl. He takes a well deserved holiday on Wednesdays and Fridays.

This is the deal. The second girl knows about his first girl. She was in an abusive relationship. Our hero met her and comforted her. She decided that it is better to be with a man like him than those single binding type who treat woman like an ego decoration.  She told him she doesn’t mind him with other women.

The first girl knows that the second one is a her ‘man’s’ friend. She doesn’t know that they sleep on a single bed in her rented apartment.

Our man treats both the women well. He doesn’t want to leave either of them. He says that he doesn’t understand what he is doing. Somehow, it brings him comfort and wisdom to be with different women. He has become more patient and lovable since he found the second girl. He does not wish for a traditional marriage anymore.

The second girl has decided to approach the first one and tell her that our man is a good chap. She wants her to understand that circumstances make changes in our lives. We can either stick to our sense of right and wrong or we can live with the present and the real.

She will also tell her that she does not understand morality anymore. She was considered moral when she was with her former boyfriend. She forgave him when he abused her for the first few months and her action was considered superior by her friends and relatives. Now she likes or loves our man and doesn’t mind him being with another woman.

She’ll explain that she is ready to remove herself from the scene should the ‘primary’ girl have the problem. But she must ask herself whether this would be good for them. At least she should consider alternatives.

As for my acquaintance, our man, he too is redefining love. He was always a one-woman man. Now he finds himself in a dual relationship. He didn’t force it upon himself. One evening, while comforting the fears of the girl, he kissed her and never stopped since. He also feels that his feelings for the first girl are the same and now with greater knowledge of women, he understands them better. He would be crushed to leave either of them.

In some time now, the girls will confront one another. Our man is nervous but he tells me he is not. I don’t dislike him. I know that he is good to women although they spend a lot of money and time in shopping, something we men hate.

Would he be comfortable with the first girl sleeping with another man? He says he doesn’t know. Would she then leave him? Because he has no intention of doing so.

There is so much to the world than our physical and mental boundaries.

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I have not quite learnt what it means to forgive and forget. Or what ‘letting go’ means. But post a ‘break-up’, I know I lead a fuller and more contented life.

There is nobody to accuse me of not paying attention to his mum’s words or asking him to choose between his family and me.

He is not there to compare me to his darling sis-in-law, and I am free to dress howsoever I choose.

I do feel lonely at night and I miss the ‘sweet nothings’. However, I do not have to justify how I spend my time or the decisions my mother took while raising me.

I fell in love with ______ for two reasons: One, he was willing to stick his neck out for me and continue loving me until my parents accepted him in my life. Two, he accepted me for what I was without too much nagging or questioning.

Neither hold true today since all the while we were together, he had a hidden agenda. He was hoping he would succeed in changing me, my clothes, my attitude and my aspirations.

I have never been typically ambitious by nature but I knew I wanted a career. I didn’t know in which field, but I knew I wanted financial independence.

There was a nascent dream of doing journalism from Columbia or law from Bangalore. But he squashed them. It reached a point where he almost called me selfish for wanting to achieve something. What he hoped for was a docile homemaker – who he could proudly take home to his mother.

I proposed a live-in relationship. He was scandalized. I brought up drugs. He got livid. Drinking became a major ego issue. And suddenly every other guy had begun desiring me, or so he thought. He wanted to keep me like a porcelain doll tucked up in some corner of his house.

It’s easy to spoil a person materially but pampering one emotionally is not everybody’s cup of tea. He never realized that I didn’t want material goods; but a constant assurance of unconditional love and a security that he would always be around to comfort me, whatever be the actual distance between us.

Today I realize that he was not being himself while we were together and that I fell in love with a man who was looking for something that I would never give him.

There was a time period when I became a sorry picture of what he wanted me to be. And I got miserable. I had almost begun to believe that I was being selfish by having any ambitions.

And ironically, he dumped me a few years later saying that I had lost all focus in life. In a way, I should be glad he took the step, because I loved him too much to be able to say goodbye.

He is not a person who will understand my need to pour my heart out on dark lonely nights. He will never understand why I find men like Brett Lee, Imran Khan and Rahul Bose sexy. He will never understand the thrill of watching a Rahul da Cunha performance.

Or listening to the radio early in the morning.

Or introspecting at the steps of the Asiatic Society.

He would have never taken a walk with me on Marine Drive or made a sudden stop for bhel in the rain.

Perhaps no guy would fit my requirements but he was far from it. He could have given me everything money could buy; a fancy car, a lavish apartment, lots of jewelry, meals in uptown place. But that is not what keeps a relationship in motion.

It’s a pity it took us so long to find out what we wanted. He is currently employed in ______, with a fiancée in ____, and has everything he wants, personally and professionally.

And I feel that you can never take leave your past. You never know when it may come and haunt you.

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